Assignment 10: Theodore

I’m not worried about the zombie apocalypse. I don’t stockpile chainsaws, buy truckloads of canned food, or build bunkers. If my neighbors break into my house after their deaths, I will talk my way out of being eaten.

Option 1: Raise doubts about the zombies’ existence.

For example, how do zombies find enough calories? An average human could survive for three weeks without food, but how do the undead keep moving for eternity with only infrequent nutrition? Theoretically, zombies may work in shifts: Horde A chases the humans, while Horde B eats at a restaurant. But what kind of self-respecting horrid creature would do that?

But why would zombies listen to reasonable argument instead of tearing me limb from limb? Remember, most zombies were once people who believed that they would enter an afterlife (preferably a paradise) after death. Considering that they still are on Earth and lack some/most body parts, they must feel disillusioned about life and death, as well as established authority in general. After all, the argument “I think, therefore I am” doesn’t apply to brainless revenants. If I chip away at their self-confidence, they may decide that life — actually not-death — has no meaning for them.

Option 2: Convince the zombies to enter another line of work

Even after I explain, some zombies may still believe that they exist and feel hungry. They need employment. But what career embraces people who lack the ability to think coherently? Politics. But surely politicians need to be intelligent, trustworthy public servants, not flesh-eating abominations. In theory, yes — but in today’s political climate, do any Americans believe Congress contains intelligent, trustworthy public servants? In fact, zombies are uniquely suited to hold office.

1. Zombies are masters of the filibuster. Since they need no food or sleep, they might never stop speaking (read moaning). Ted Cruz once halted the Senate for 21 hours with a speech, but one undead senator could hold up Congress for months.
2. Zombies appeal to all Americans, no matter their political beliefs. Conservatives appreciate the walking dead’s apathy toward Obamacare; they don’t need it. Liberals like zombies’ willingness to pay taxes forever.
3. Zombies value all Americans. Wealthy donors can’t buy favors, since the no-longer-dead don’t care about surface details like wealth, gender, race, or religion. They value all constituents because all people have equally tasty brains.

If the walking dead gather around your door, don’t worry. They don’t want your brain — just your vote.